Should I pin a note to your shirt?

Hi Peeps! The new blog is up and active over at:

MinorEmergencies.net


Take a look-see!

Love, Nurse Wonderful

Moving into a better house

MOVING AGAIN?!?!?!?! Don't worry family and friends, it's a virtual move...

This is a "save the date" notice that I'm moving my blog over to Wordpress!! It seems to be less buggy and cumbersome, and so I can't wait to have even MORE time to tell stories and laugh at kids and wander up to FS's office. Also, I have my very own domain!

MinorEmergencies.net

See? Isn't that so much cooler? I've moved the posts over but it's not very pretty at the moment. Gimme a few days and I'll post another official notice.

Love to you all, and thanks so much for the encouragement. It means so, so much that people get a kick out of this thing. 

Party Time!

F4 was feeling pretty chipper this morning. He was telling me a story and gesturing like a drunken Italian, splashing his water cup all over the floor. I, of course, was laughing and egging him on (sorry F4's teacher!).

I should have been watching for him at lunch. Then I might have been prepared for his visit. I was minding my own business, making eleventy-billion little ice packs for boo-boos, when I hear a small commotion at my office door. I look up in time to see F4 jump through the doorway, arms splayed, food crumbs from lunch scattered across his face, yelling (I mean, he turned that volume up to 11):

"IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT STREAMERS!!!!"

I was standing there, just enjoying the show. He didn't really have anywhere to go from there, so he said it again a few more times, you know, for emphasis.

I have to say that he's on to something. I LOVE streamers.

Gardening: Fun and Yummy or Useless Waste of Time?

It's about 1 month into my gardening project, and while I can say it's been more successful than my previous attempts, it hasn't gone *well*.

Step 1: spend hours and hours shoveling dirt out of a section of the horse corral, as this is OBVIOUSLY the best place for a garden.

Step 2: drag 7 railroad ties over and make a 3-section box.

Step 3: repeat step 1...

Step 4: go to the seed store and scoff when they tell you that you will need approximately 42 more bags of dirt. Buy 10.

Step 5: come home to a delivery from the seed catalogue. Try to plant the strawberry plant into a bucket til you can get the dirt into the garden plot. Realize that "the strawberry plant" is actually 25 strawberry plants rubberbanded together. Scratch head and ponder.

During this time I've sprouted herbs, lettuce, spinach, and garlic (more to come on the garlic). The strawberries are pretty much all alive, and the corn is planted in the rows. The compost tumbler is eating the household waste, smells like dirt (not rotten food) and does not house a 3 pound rat/possum. These are all good things.

The setbacks are keeping me busy and outside, which I could appreciate were it not for the 60mph gusts today while I was glooping around in garden mud and wearing a sundress (sorry neighbors!).

I'm learning.

Gagsy Needs a New Title

So Gagsy has been rockin and rollin with his medicine. I've had no chocolate milk on my floor or shoes or sink, and no gelatinous, half-mauled capsules upchucked into my trash can.

On top of that, if he swallows it when he thinks I'm not looking (I'm ALWAYS looking), he'll clear his throat and say,

"Annnnd guess what? I just swallowed my pill again."

With a casual "what's up" nod and a finger pointed in my direction, he heads out the door, slapping high fives on his way down the hall.

This is the only kid I know with a touchdown dance for his first success of each school day.

Shake First, Ask Questions Later?

I'm in my office, minding my own business, when a woman walks in. I've seen her before around the school.
TM: Hello, are you the Nurse?
Me: Sure am! My name is Sara. It's nice to meet you.
We shake hands and smile and it's all very nice... Until:
Typhoid Mary: DOES *THIS* LOOK LIKE PINK EYE?
Holy crap, thanks for the freaking heads up.

New Use for Latex?

How disturbing is this? I was outside hunting down a first grader when I caught a little girl chasing her friend with a.... Balloon? (please tell me it's not a...) Turd? (well, that would be better than a...) Whew. It was a glove. Still eww, but not the worst kind of eww. Have I mentioned that kids are yuck?

Dino-Mite!

A gift from FS. His new name is Alfie.

PLAQUE ATTACK!

I spent most of Thursday moving from one kindergarten class to the next, demonstrating proper oral hygiene with the help of Mr Monster and the Plaque Attack. The kids at the end of the day got a totally different message than my first group:

ME: "Does everyone have a toothbrush? If so, does it look kind of like this [I hold up Big Blue]?"

Approx 1/3 of the class- "YESSSSSS!!"
The other 2/3: "Nooooo, mine is not like that. Mine is (blue! Purple! Superman! RAAAIIINNNBOOOWWW!!)!!

ME: "Yes Dudley, if we don't brush our teeth, it IS possible for our teeth to fall out [there is a brief but distinct sucking sound as all 20 kids open their mouths at the exact same time]

Approx 1/3 of the children- "TEACHER! (or DOCTOR! or SARA!!) ILOSTTHISTOOTHRIGHTHERE!! SEE? SEE IT?"

Approx 2/3 of the class- "TEACHER! (or DOCTOR! or SARA!!) THISTOOTHISLOOSE! RIGHT HERE! I'MLOSINGITSOON!! RIGHT HERE! SEE IT? NURSE! SEE MY LOOSE TOOTH?"

It took a nanosecond to realize these errors and several hours  to extract myself from them. Okay, maybe it just felt like hours. Anyway, the kids all took turns brushing the monster's teeth and it was very cute and civilized.

Until one of the disgruntled students who had already had her turn stated loudly (and repeatedly), "I think his teeth look pretty clean. Yep! They sure look clean to me!" She had apparently moved on to the next big thing. Whatevs. NBD. I can deal with the rejection, but I think Mr. Monster's smile looks a little forced. Poor guy.

Measuring A Pickle's Worth

Gagsy has rocked his medicine 2 days in a row! I really can't believe it still, and feel the need to make long, teary-eyed speeches when I pass him in the hall.

He was in possession of a 1$ coin this morning. He showed it to a teacher who was passing through my office, and she left to get him a magnifying glass so they could inspect it more closely. While she was gone, he handed it to me. I was looking at it and he said, "It's REAL GOLD! I even bit it and everything!"  There was a brief pause, then he added, "Don't worry. I washed it off." 

The teacher returned and she was explaining to him that some coins are worth a lot, and that he could look it up online to find the value.

"I know what it's worth. My friend told me it's TWO PICKLES!"

Pickles are sometimes available for sale as fundraisers. We know where his dollar is going.

Ground Cover

Out here we take what we can get. But look what we got!! We haven't looked it up yet but it kind of looks like a cross between green sage and lamb's ear. Any ideas?

Plans for the week

Well Folks, It's been awhile since my last post. Spring break was last week- Luke took the week off as well- and we landed in Moab, UT for a few days. The rock scrambling is good for the soul. So is the amazing tiramisu we had at a restaurant on our last night of the trip.

Seeing as how I've been out of work for 15 of the last 16 days, I understandably have little to no material for the blog. I expect this to change tomorrow, as I plan on returning with a CRASH and a BANG. Some activities for the week:

I'll be putting on the dental hygiene day for the Kinders. This involves brushing the Tooth MONSTER's teeth. Should be a good show. I'll be looking for one-liners and inappropriate usage of the giant fake toothbrush.

I'll be seeing Gagsy for the first time in two weeks. Rumor has it that he has learned to swallow his medicine like a normal human being. According to the sub RN, I could have "just told him to swallow it." I'm understandably bitter about this, and HAVE to assume that something changed in that big 'ol developing head that allows him to toss it back. We'll see. I'm not convinced it's gonna happen. Reaaalllly not looking forward to the water and pill on the floor stunt.

Easter is coming!! So who will be joining us? BonesBunny? That would be the best option, since having a skeleton Jesus rising from the dead is... just a little... well... Okay. I know my limits.

I realized the other day that F4 is not going to be in 4th grade forever. What I don't know is whether he can still be F4 next year, or if he will need to be F5. I guess it mostly depends on whether I still like him next year. Kidding. That kid is awesome.

I can't wait to get back to work and get my love from those kids. I may have to rig up some sort of self-triggering sanitation spray at the door of my office to prevent contamination. Or maybe a snare. If I can stop them from rushing me with their puke-breath and sticky hands I think I'd be alright. Let me know your thoughts! See ya!

No Luck 'O' the Irish

This bulliten board is a sad testament to my St. Patty's week. I felt more like I had been transported back to the Oregon Trail game:

Sara has dysentery. You are delayed 5 days and lose one cow.
After 5 days of near incapacitation, 5 lbs total weight loss (I think they call it the "Hollywood Cleanse"), and 4 missed days of work, I scraped and clawed my way back into the land of the living.

On Tuesday, I tried to go to work and was sent home almost immediately. F4 came in for his morning medicine before I was kicked out. His eyes got big and the first words out of his mouth were, "Whoa. Your hair is CRRRAAAAZY."
On arrival to my office this morning he told me, "You were sick. Really sick. Wanna know how I know? Because your hair was CRAZY. It looked like it came from the 70s." Funny what kids focus on.

Back to the leprechaun. He had a torso when I left on friday. Poor FS was left to do her job and the majority of my job all week, so when the ribcage fell, it understandably stayed down. Annndd I never finished the best part. No pot 'o' gold with chocolate gold coins for my deprived little ones. I'm just glad I lived to see spring break. I can deal with Conan O'Bones later.

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Success!

It happened. Gagsy went a whole week without spitting on my floor. He done won himself a Smencil!

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Trouble with a Capital T

An upset 3rd grader stomps into my office.

Me: "Whoa. What happened?! Are you okay.?"
Hulk: "No! The teacher got me in trouble for something I didn't even do!"
Me: "Wanna talk about it?"
Hulk: "I'm so mad! It wasn't my fault! Ricky was bugging me and he wouldn't leave me alone. He made me hit him! He knows that if he keeps on making me mad that I can't control my actions!"

Not gonna touch that one.

Also, a feisty 2nd grader came in from recess. She's panting and trying to tell me the story at the same time.

Ramona: "Iwasoutside...andaboywaschasingmeandmyfriend... andhewouldn'tleaveusalone... and he made me hurt my hand."

I look down to see her third knuckle on her fist is skinned. When that hand bone is broken, it's called a boxer's fracture. Sounds like someone was practicing her right hook on an unsuspecting admirer.

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Extreme Sports

A 5th grader comes looking for me in FS's office to tell me that he was the victim of a run-by hooping. When I asked him where he was injured, he answered, "the gym." I guess I needed to be more specific. :D

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Fuzzy Logic

A kid came to use his inhaler this morning. No biggie. Kids are coming in all the time for their 'as needed' puff-breaks. At around 1030, he comes back and heads for the inhalers. We've already had the conversation re: having to wait 4hrs between doses, so I ask what he's doing.

Me: "What the heck! Weren't you just in here?"
Kid: "uh, yeah. I have PE, and when we get in trouble, like if we talk too much, Coach makes us run laps."
Me: "So are you in trouble?"
Kid: "No. We haven't had class yet."
Me: "Soooooo if you can't have your inhaler because it's too soon, and if you get in trouble then you have to run, what do you need to do?"
Kid: [blank stare]
Me: "Stay out of trouble!"
Kid: [another blank stare]
Me: "okay, let's try again. You can't have your inhaler. Coach will make you run laps if you talk when he's talking. You don't want to run laps without taking your inhaler. So, what should you do?
Kid: ".... don't come too early for my inhaler?"
Me: o_0

Can't win today. Guess I'll just reset the scoreboard for tomorrow. Bring it! Tomorrow, I mean, not today. In my head, today is officially over.

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Romeo's Faker Test

My favorite Kinder, Romeo, caught me in the hallway. It's been awhile, so I knelt down to have a little conversation. He announced, "I'm six!" He then leaned in for a hug, so I'm busy saying happy birthday and asking him how his day was when he said, "NO! I'm SICK."

Oh. Well I guess no congratulations are in order. So I have him come with me on my errand down the big kids hallway, and bring him into my office for a temp check. No fever. He's looking pretty good, so I decided to try the faker test on him. As soon as I mentioned it, he started to grin. I tell you, these dimples are trouble. By the time I reach his nose, he's chortling and has his eyes closed with a huuuuge smile on that little face.

Me: "I see all your dimples!! I think you're going to be A-OK."
Romeo: "Noooo, these dimples (points to them and looks down to scuff at the floor), These dimples are sad dimples."

Although I sent him back to class, I was totally melted. He reappeared about 2 minutes later to show me an itsy bitsy red mark on his finger. I grabbed a bandaid, and he said, "Nooo, not that one. Were are da udder ones??" So Romeo managed to procure a coveted Sponge-Bob bandaid. And yes, I'm hoping he remembers to come back today for another. =) 

Hotshot

You haven't lived til a 3ft tall kid with a mowhawk points both fingers at you, winks, and says, "Hey Hey, baby Chica!"

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Fact:

Heard today: "Did you know that if you don't take care of your blood, your eyeballs will fall out?"

When pressed for details by Nurse Wonderful (who is always on the lookout for a nursing education moment), he answers, "I don't know. I think I read it in a book." Well, at least it was partial retention, right?

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Gagsy Goes Too Far

This kid is a blessing and a curse. I'm having a rough case of the Mondays, and he waltzes in with his chocolate milk. Game on.

He says (through clenched teeth): "My face is frozen."
Me: hmm. That's odd, why is it frozen?
Gagsy: I was outside, and the side of my face is frozen. I can't open my mouth.

I pull his teacher (who is fully aware of our morning routine) into my office and explain to her why he won't get his medicine today. Lo and behold, his mouth unfreezes! It's a miracle!

Gagsy (while massaging his jaw): Thank goodness. I was afraid I had frostbite!

If you think climbing Everest is bad, you should try 3rd grade. Good thing we didn't lose him. I don't know WHAT I would do for entertainment in the morning.

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The Faker Test

A little chipmunk came into my office and sobbed, "IWASOUTSIDEIWASPLAYINGWITHMYFRIENDSANDABALLHITMYFACE!!" Of course, her cute little button nose is entirely intact.

I get her to show it to me and say the magic words: "I'm the nurse and it looks like you're going to be okay." When paired with a convincing nod, this statement goes a looong way. She seemed unsure, but began to nod with me. I can imagine her hypnotized child brain to be saying, "yes... YES! I AM going to be okay. Whew."

I also stumbled upon a fabulous new medical test. We nurses all know Macburney's point, the battle sign, and Homan's sign- there are about a bazillion of them. The faker test is remarkably easy. All it takes is a smile on your part, and a light fingertip tap to the tip of the nose. A kiddo with a malingering ailment or an invisible injury will smile- a full dimpled, snaggle-toothed, nose crinkling smile.

The bonus is an immediate attitude adjustment for both parties. As far as I can tell, it works almost every time. I'll be experimenting and publishing my results in the near future. Wish me luck!

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Random Thoughts

Favorite 4th grader came to me this am and noticed I had a box out that was labelled "girls' underwear".

F4: "Ha-HA! You have a box of girls diapies! You have a box of diap-IES!"
Me: Nooooooo. Panties. Not diapies. And you're just jealous cause your underpants don't have flowers on them.
F4: [without any pause] "yeah, well you're jealous yours don't have MONSTER TRUCKS!"

I walked right into that one. Let's just call this one a draw before someone gets sent to the principal's office.

Also, learn from another fail: If you want to know how germs are spread, mention (any item on your desk) to a five year old. She will, without any pause or warning, jump up, run over and touch it. If you reeeallly want the experience, pick a kid that just puked on her lunch tray. And make the item your spoon.

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POW! KICK! ACK!

The bad: I just spilled a full diet coke on my desk, soaking a few important papers, my desk calendar, and lots of crap that's just been sitting around until I had "time to put it away".

The good: this incident was an indirect result of FS's impression of a certain Caped Crusader. She's wearing a draping black shirt and it makes her feel 'super-hero-esque'.

If I had to choose? Definitely worth the mess.

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My New Favorite School Holiday

Two little boys from kindergarten brought me this rose from their teacher. She even sent me my favorite kiddos on PURPOSE! Talk about awesome.

Anyway, v-day is definitely "the holiday" here in roswell. The school was more wound up than on the day that santa came. It made my job easy though, as none of the kids wanted to be ill for the parties at the end of the day. :-) Did I mention the chocolate?

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Happy Valentine's Day

Luke told me this morning that Valentine's day originated in ancient Roman times- that it began as a festival that lasted from Feb 13-15, and involved sacrificial animals, and something about women getting beaten by... umm, maybe the same tools that were used on the animals, or maybe the animals themselves? And that there would be a lottery system where a woman would be "wed" to another man if he drew her name from a hat. And I think the women would want to be beaten (I'm assuming only for THIS festival) because it would make them fertile.

I might be a little fuzzy on the details. Regardless, it originally had nothing to do with chocolate and greeting cards and dozens of roses. Or Cupid for that matter, but I couldn't very well decorate my bulletin board with sacrificed animals and fertile women. Besides, V-day is growing on me. I want to give it some credit. The kids are all nuts over cheap pieces of colored cardboard- and everyone gets them. I think that's essential. If you're in loooove with little Benny, you can give him some cheap colored cardboard. It's cool. But don't forget the rest of the kids. So friends, Spread the looooove! Hug a friend, kiss an SO, pet a puppy. Happy Valentine's Day!

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I Need A Valentine.

I'm currently sitting outside, enjoying a light breeze and 55 degree sunshine. The only thing that would make it better is if I weren't on the side of Pine Lodge rd, about 7miles out of town with my bike and a very flat tire, waiting for FS to bail me out. I got the flat (2nd in as many rides) and pulled off the road totally ready to kick some butt and fix my flat on my own. This would prove that I rock (we know it's true) and would probably be faster in the long run... if my patch kit wasn't older than jesus. The stupid glue is dried out. Who checks that stuff anyway?? So learn from my fail people. Keep a favorite secretary on hand to run by hobby lobby and bring some fresh patch glue when you need it. Or, to drive you to the nearest Sonic for some soul-restorative ice cream.

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Lifesaving Cookies

This is getting a little out of hand. Girl Scout cookie season is infinitely more dangerous when you are surrounded by 180 sweet little girls every day. You never know which one is gonna grab you from around the corner and flash that dimpled smile. I certainly don't buy them because they taste good. I'm just supporting the economy...   ;-)

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Wait for it...

I popped into a classroom today to talk to a teacher. As we're finishing up, a tiny dude that I haven't seen in a while was watching me. I stopped talking to have a staring contest with him. I won. He then asked, "Are you the nurse?" This is a kid who, at the beginning of the school year, would purposefully hurt himself by hitting his arm on the desk so that he could visit The Nurse. He also would hang out in my office after school sometimes and draw pictures for me and FS. Adorable kid in need of a little TLC, and he eventually grew out of it.

I knew it had been awhile, but c'mon! I thought we had a history. So I said, "Of course I'm the Nurse! Don't you remember me?"

He replied, "You look different."

I've been hearing that a lot lately due to my recent change in hairstyle. When we asked what he thought was different- just to see what he would say (in retrospect, not the smartest idea)- he looked me up and down for a little too long. I'm starting to worry about what's going to pop out of this kids mouth. We already know he doesn't censor.

After a few moments he says, "You're wearing a different shirt."

HA!! Dodged a potentially ego-wounding bullet with that one. I just hadn't realized I was wearing the EXACT same shirt every time I took care of him. =P

Love Notes

SNOW DAY!!!

Dear Readers, I just found this half-finished post from last week. Apparently all my days off have turned my brain to mush. This is un-edited, so you can see the way my brain works.

I got the call last night. This is the first time in my adult life that my daily obligations have been discarded due to the weather. We knew the weather was going to be bad. The weather.com app on my phone waxed poetic about the bitter cold and inches of snow we were to expect between Tue night and Thur morning.

When the recorded call from the school district came through (did you know they did that?!) I jumped out of bed and immediately did an improvised shimmy/snow day dance. Annnnd, then I stayed up an extra few hours and ate junk food. There's a reason I'm so in touch with my students.

This morning I woke up only a little late and then made it a point to check the clock to mark the times I would have been... leaving for work... starting my lunch... visiting FS for my 3rd dose of magic chocolate... harassing FS... kicking the kids out of the building... and finally, going home. Instead of all these stimulating activities, I:

1. Drank a pot 'o' coffee

2. Played with my new hair

3. Took pictures of the house with snow

4. Took pictures of my hair with snow... ;-)

5. Checked fingers and nose for frostbite, and consider going to the hospital for possible frostbite.

6. Instead settle for Walgreens and buy Bailey's, Tequila, and Patron Orange Liqueur.

7. Lots of boring

ANNDDDD, this is where I stop. I actually can't remember what was "boring", even though I apparently did "lots" of it. It might have been the Bailey's. I dunno. It must not have been worth writing about. Anyhoo, by the end of the week we had 2 full snow days, and one 2-hr delay that turned into another canceled school day when they hopped in the buses at 0700 and realized that none of them would start. 3 days of 0 or near 0 temps was just too much for our little buses that couldn't. Then a planned 2 day trip for Mon and Tues and I'm looking back on a full week without working.

I just looked at the weather report and we're expecting more snow tonight... do I dare hope?

Who's the Boss??

I had a first grader come in with a little sore in her R ear. Of course, she's digging around in there making it bleed. The first thing I said, "Seriously? You're picking at it, of COURSE it's bleeding!" went in one ear and out the other... figuratively speaking (as her finger was blocking the way). She pulls her finger out and then immediately puts it back in. This goes on for a few rounds. It's like there's a rare earth magnet in her head instead of a brain.

Me: Really. Do you see what you're doing right now? You just stuck your finger right back in your ear!! What did I JUST say??
Peanut: I have a sore in my ear. Right here. You see? It's bleeding... right.... HERE [sticks finger back in ear]!
Me: [I'm pretty sure she's not doing this just to push me over the edge] Go wash your hands. I'm putting a bandaid in there just so you won't touch.

[she's watching me open the bandaid]

Peanut: .... You're funny.
Me: [trying not to be funny] You think it's funny when I'm mad and bossy?
Peanut: ... well.... It's only because you don't really mean it.

Well folks, I've been found out. Or more likely, she's the reason I get about 800 visits a day from her classroom. I think she's ratting me out to her buddies. Maybe I need to get a little, oh, I dunno. Meaner? Madder? Bossier? Sneakier? I could move my office into the storage closet and force the teachers to bring the kids blindfolded. Too much?

Another tooth for that Fairy Dude...

One of the new 2nd graders came to see me yesterday about a loose tooth. Literally, to show me that her tooth was loose. She's cute as a bug and so excited, so I tell her that it's not long now, and probably she'll lose her tooth at lunch.

At around 230 that same day, she comes running in with a huge toothless grin, "My tooth fell out! Now can I have a tooth necklace (I told you, still all the rage!)?? It was all loose and twisting but it wouldn't come out and I was too scared so my two friends held me down ANDTHENTHEYPULLEDITOUTFORME!!!"

Kids still do this? I can't remember ever having the balls to let a friend rip a tooth out. That being said, my parents might be able to jog my memory. Anyhoo, no harm no foul. She's the proud new owner of a regulation sized, official school RN white tooth case with blue necklace option.

The Daily Dose: Part Deux

3. Finally, I thought to pour the medicine into a plastic spoon and add a little choc. Milk to that. Then he only takes one swallow and is guaranteed to get the entire dose... right?! Well, except when he doesn't. I'm not even sure how this happened, but the 2nd day we tried this, he STILL managed to evade the entire dose on the first swallow. I'm about out of ideas.

This morning, he didn't show. I found him wandering the hall and called him over:

Gagsy: "Hi. I didn't come for my medicine because my chocolate milk is frozen."
Me: "Oh, bummer. Well, I guess we'll have to use water with it in the spoon!"
Gagsy: "I don't drink water." [rolls his eyes]
Me: "Do they have juice in the room?" [grinding my teeth]
Gagsy: "I don't like juice."

REALLY?!?!?

Of course, I can hear FS just LOVING this conversation, as Gagsy is her favorite 3rd grader. I have to admit that I would probably think all of this was hilarious if I wasn't the one pulling teeth every morning. Wait. I haven't tried pulling teeth yet... ;-)

The Daily Dose: Part 1

I have an ongoing feud with one of my 3rd graders. Every morning I trick, cajole, threaten and force him to take his medicine. Every morning he tricks, squirms, bargains, and gags his way out of this same medicine.
I think I've finally gotten this under control but not without the following scenarios (most of which have occurred more than once):

1. Try to make him swallow the capsule. Have him place capsule on back of tongue and drink water. Standard form of medication administration. Totally useless as it involves approximately 30min of attempts, and results in water on floor, back of sink, trash can and student. Also wasted: at least one extra dose of medicine that has been mostly dissolved and spit all over floor, trash, and student.
Variation: bring classroom teacher in to attempt to "scare" student straight. Results: very similar but makes teacher understand that I'm not "doing it wrong".  
Verdict: failed, but preferable to first scenario.

Eventually it became crystal clear that I was not going to get him to swallow the stupid medicine. Some people are unable to swallow pills their entire life. To save myself the frustration, I've put Gagsy in this category. That makes it acceptable for me to cave and allow him the chocolate milk without considering it a reward for bad behavior. :)

2. Empty capsule into chocolate milk brought by student.
Result: he spends almost 10 minutes a morning pinching his nose, dramatically taking very small sips of the chocolate milk and notifying me of every single ball (there's an incredibly small volume of little teeny beads- think of the white ones on those yummy mint candies from Hillshire farms) that gets "stuck in his throat" or accidentally chewed.

Unintended Variation: If someone else is in the room, fuggeddaboudit. He spends more time performing than sipping. I've tried bribes and threats to make this process faster, with absolutely no luck. I consider it "lucky" if he doesn't gag and spit onto my office floor.

The Test: The morning after a particularly trying day, I decided to prove to him that the chocolate milk tasted fine with medicine in it. While he was watching, I poured some milk in the cup, and pretended to sprinkle his medicine in. I then swirled it around and handed it over. He took a sip, and stood there for awhile with his mouth full and his head down. I was sweating it a little because it would blow up in my face if he could actually tell it wasn't medicated. But sure enough, he looks up (to make sure I'm watching), gags a little, then forces it down.

Me: [jumping up and down] "Ah ha! I got you. I know for sure that you're faking when you pretend that it's so gross. There isn't even any medicine in there. You can't taste when it IS in there because then you would know when it was missing. Now you HAVE to take it fast! HA! HAHAHA!!"
Gagsy: [pauses for a moment, considering my outburst.] Says, "That was a pretty good trick."

Of course, my gloating lasted about 5 more seconds before he resumed his gagging/spitting/sipping/whining routine.

Two little 1st graders walking into my office, both moaning and groaning and holding the side of their head.

I asked, "Uh oh. Did we have a head-on collision?"
The reply, "No. We bumped heads."

Oh. Okay. Another good example of kid-brain.

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Kids are Yuck.

50% of visit made to my office on Friday came from one class. Ms Bliss can't help that her kids are, well, nevermind. Let's just say that it's not her fault. As I was walking up towards the cafeteria with a kiddo to go look at her partially digested lunch (my Mac and cheese sitting lonely but not forgotten in the microwave), I hear FS telling a parent, "The nurse will be right back. She's just going to look at some throw up." So funny!

Also Friday, I was told by a 4th grade teacher that two little girls came up to her with a tooth, asking to go to the nurse for a plastic tooth container necklace that is apparently all the rage.

Thing is, the tooth didn't belong to either one of them. My favorite 4th grader decided to be generous and let them borrow the avulsed tissue specimen. What a prince.

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Creative Writing

Why write a boring note to the nurse when the kid obviously has dried out knuckles with tiny bleeding cracks in them? I'd much rather get this note which incites a hilarious visual (the kid is suuuper quiet and shy) and still gets me to look in the right place for the booboo.

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Time ain't nothin' but a number

A little boy and his brother were waiting for their ride after school. Thing 1 peeks into FS's office through the little window cut in the glass. I lean over to hear what he's saying:

Thing 1: Um, excuse me. My uncle is supposed to pick us up. Um, what time is it?
Me: It's 10 minutes til 2. 1:50.
Thing 1: Is that after 5:02?
Me: Nope, but 5:02 isn't for over 3hours. [at this point I'm trying not to laugh, and FS is starting to worry that it might be a looong day at the office if she can't get a taker for Thing 1 and Thing 2.] Do you think maybe he said 2:05?
Thing 1: Well, maybe. So how many minutes til 5:02?
Me: 0_o ... Nvmnd.

So wrong, yet so right....

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Wheezy Ponders Presidents' Day

Same kid with the "bless-shoes" came in today for his inhaler. He sees Mr. Bones up on the bulletin board...

Wheezy: "What's George Lincoln doing up there??!" (I'll post pics of my rockin' new bulletin board tomorrow)
Me: Well, this is George Washington and that's Abraham Lincoln. They both used to be Presidents.
Wheezy: So why are they up there?
Me: Presidents' Day is coming up. It's a day we picked to celebrate their birthdays!
Wheezy: Hmm. Well it's a good thing we don't have to buy a birthday cake and candles and a present for them cause they're already dead! They're dead already. Right?

Bless-shoe to you too!

A kid comes in for his pre-PE inhaler. Between puffs he says, "You probly noticed that I sound funny when I talk, it's because I have to breathe only through my nose because when I was sleeping with my mom last night I bless-shoed too many times." Incredulous me says, "you sneezed?" His response: "yes. I bless-shoed 10 times."

Not 11, but 10 bless-shoes in one night. No WONDER he needs to breath only through his nose...... ?!

Also: "I'm about to have a baby cousin! I think it's going to be a boy or a girl! " Well I would hope so... :D

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3rd Quarter Mish-Mash

Well, it's been a heck of a week so far. I opened my email (for the first time in exactly 17days) to find that FS (Favorite Secretary) has begun the countdown to spring break. 53 working days. Deep breath. That's a long time to go, but I think we can do it.

I only had to bust into the super-secret favorite chocolate stash twice in the past 3 days. All the good candy hides in there. Only to be used in emergencies:

Like when I realized that the vision machine I drove TWICE to central office to pick up (once for the elusive power cord) wasn't working after I charged it all night long so I could have a super duper productive day of screening. I didn't know it wasn't working until I brought the first 5th grader in- he's a quiet, nice kid who waited patiently while I fumbled with the battery. I told him I was sorry he was stuck here with me (instead of in the classroom learning something) while I tried to figure the machine out. He shrugged and said, "It's okay. I don't want to learn anything." Big smile. Turd.

Turns out the battery was in backwards. o_0

We had another kid who came to the office to eat his lunch- this happens when they get in trouble in the lunchroom- he came up to favorite secretary and told her he was allergic to dairy and couldn't drink his milk. He required a different beverage. FS came to me and we looked in his record. It wasn't listed in his allergies, but it's not uncommon for parents to skip over such minuscule details of their kids lives. When the mom came in later, FS told her she needed to update the medical forms to reflect the allergy. The mom almost falls over laughing. Apparently he pulled one over on us. Gotta give him a point for that.

I also learned that it is impossible to eat 6 saltine crackers in 60seconds without a drink. I had heard it before but it wasn't until cracker #4 was coughed across my office by FS's lovely and hilarious daughter did I believe it. No really, you need to try this. Let me know how it goes. =D